Lately I think a lot that I am not long for this world. That’s probably because I feel like shit most of the time. I have migraines more days than not, I have no muscle tone and feel horrible whenever I try to do something to fix that problem. I can’t even be on my feet for more than a few minutes without thinking I’m going to pass out or be sick. I can’t even get food down half the time when I manage to wobble my way to the kitchen to nuke something. I mean geez, am I somehow too far gone to recover? Here’s where the depression comes in though….who really cares? Oh I know my kids care. I know people love me, but my life or lack thereof is a joke and I don’t care. I’m sick of it all, I’ve spent a year feeling like crap and I don’t see an end. I have no life and no friends here (okay, there is William) and that is my own fault but it’s more than I’m up to trying to fix when I feel lousy. I need a rehab center of my own. And a physical therapist apparently. Instead I sit here musing about donating my body to science vs the body farm, since I can’t afford to die either 😛

My therapist says William is good for me because he makes a pest of himself and forces me to be social. Ever since kindergarten when I used to say I was sick to skip school, I’ve had this problem. Social stuff feels overwhelming to me. I learned early on I was no good at it. So yesterday because I refuse to do anything requiring interacting with people, he told me to list 10 things I would enjoy (I think he means things that require interaction with other humans). Ten?! Right this moment I can’t even think of one….blame the bloody migraine.

Feel Good Stuff

• On New Years Eve day I went halfway and picked up my baby (22yo) to come “live” with me for a week. We had a great time watching lots of rented videos, making fudge and lazing about. She has a tendency to stay up all night very much like her mother. I was no good at discouraging that behavior 😉 Saturday night we went to the Coliseum to watch the Fort Wayne Derby Girls. My son’s girlfriend is a Derby girl. It was pretty cool, even if it did mean going out in that really cold weather.
• Classes are started again so I’ll be keeping myself occupied. Assisting and also taking two. Also need to finish up a website I am working on.
• I am trying to function better in my real life, but laundry and dishes are so boring when I can be reading crime boards and playing Petville instead 🙂 (psst…thank you Melissa for getting all of my laundry caught up!)
• I’m making an effort to consistently see my therapist and go to group. Well, okay…starting today, because last Thursday it was snowing and I said to myself “Hell no, I’m not going out in that!”. Tomorrow I am group leader so I gotta be there.

The Not So Good Stuff

• First, it’s a bloody cold and horrible winter! (okay, on the plus side, my furnace has worked all winter!)
• Migraines galore! I have no idea what is up but I can’t afford this Maxalt every day. Generally it kicks it and I’m good til next time but next time isn’t supposed to be the very next day. For the first time in over 30 years of migraines I had an aura. It freaked me out, thought I was going to go blind or something. Not good since I was headed to the store. I was reading online that migraines generally go away by the time you hit your 50’s. I’d like to know what’s up with me then. I am 56 and I get them way, way more often than I ever did in my 20’s and 30’s.
• A couple years ago I ranted about my fine neighborhood and the lowlife that stole my metal trashcans from the alley (they even had my address painted on them). Well, it’s even more disturbing that someone stole the down spouts off my garage back there. I don’t guess I’ll be paying to replace them unless I hook them up with an electrical charge first. Trust me, I’d dearly love to do that. For all I know it could be my awesome neighbors who put Sanford and Sons to shame.

that Amazon sent me “Suicidal Behaviour: Assessment of People-At-Risk” as a recommendation?

Product Description:

Suicidal Behaviour: Assessment of People provides a psychometric analysis of various aspects associated with suicidal risk assessment to understand the suicidal personality and predict suicidal behavior.

I’m pretty sure I can tell when I’m suicidal without having a book “assess” it for me 🙂

I’m wrapped up in sad days so rather than listen to me whine, have a listen to something better.

Pink Floyd – On The Turning Away

That I could and would survive a years long major depression, I would have tried to take better care of myself. It was hard to see that there was any hope. So, hmm how do you believe that this too will pass and continue like that is true? Maybe more than believing you just need to keep doing, regardless. I’m not sure you can believe when you are that far down. These are the things I’d try to do differently:

• • I would have eaten better, instead of starving myself to the point of emancipation. I’m not anorexic but the results were the same. When I’d try to eat, I’d get a couple bites down and just start gagging. I think ignoring my hunger pains for days on end because I was too damn depressed to go forage for food got my body accustomed to starvation.
  • I’d have never started smoking again, thinking I won’t get addicted, or it won’t matter because I’m going to die anyway. Because of course there is no hope.
  • I’d have stayed active and exercised. I was in better shape than my drill sergeant when I was in the army. I was in great shape right up until I got depressed. I never had to consciously work at it, I grew up with four brothers, out in the country. Trying to get back that muscle tone that I took so for granted all those years is hard .
  • I’d have taken better care of my health, seeing doctors and dentists. Another thing that’s hard to actually do when you are convinced that the end will be suicide because there is no coming back from this one.
  • I’d have not isolated myself so much. My first major depression was much more bearable because at least part of that time I was out with friends and no doubt partying too much. But during that time I was around people I liked, I was not overtly depressed. It was when I was alone again and reflecting on the hopelessness of my situation that I became suicidal.
  • I would never again break the law during the commission of an attempted suicide. Because if you think your life is depressing already, get thrown in county jail for a week when you are already suicidal. 😛 (Yes, I know some of you are really, really wondering what that was about!)
  • I’d have ECT sooner rather than after years worth of pharmaceuticals that did nothing except make me feel like crap. Like, pretty well immediately. ECT, it’s not just for breakfast anymore! 😉

• I’d just try to hang tough. I’m not sure I could do it. Both the the major depressions I’ve had I attempted suicide. I’m only alive today because I was a coward and am adverse to pain.
• Be adverse to pain.
• Be a coward.
• Most of all, just remember. Remember that I survived it before and it’s not a permanent state of being.
• Remember what my brother told me; “This is not an emergency, you don’t need to act on it today”. (Bet you didn’t think I remembered did you, M?)

There you have it, my how-to tips for avoiding suicide. Plus, never discount the God who didn’t let any of my attempts succeed, because a couple of them should have.

R.E.M. – Everybody Hurts

I am fatigued beyond measure today. I’m long overdue for sleep but it’s not that. It’s all those little things I perceive as jabs coming from all directions. Hey, I know my perceptions are sometimes off (like most of the time) but I’d swear they are right on this last few days, and it isn’t a good feeling.  So  what do you do to get past this, when social interaction is so incredibly stressful even when you feel okay? I just want to crawl back into my deep dark hole. Wake me up in 40 years. I want to quit my group, my therapist, my brother (gee, wonder if he reads here? NOT!), Carriage House, none of them like me anyway. There’s a small possibility that is distorted thinking, but I only have actions to judge by.  There, that pretty well takes care of my sorry little life. And I left high school more years ago than I can remember so spare me the immature cliques. It’s been a long time since I thought “Oh shit, maybe I better go to the hospital so they can keep me safe” but today is one of those days. But then, I have no idea how to reach out for help so here I sit wallowing in it. Ah well, the only way to go is up, right? …RIGHT?

Beck – Loser