Sliloh's Rambles

“Know how sublime a thing it is to suffer and be strong.” ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

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6

May

2008

Defrag from hell

Posted by Anita  Published in Computer, Mental illness

My 300gb dive with all my graphics programs on it has been defragging for almost a week now. It sat at 94% all day yesterday and so far all day today. Okay, it was a mess, and it’s almost full, but I’m going through withdrawal symptoms here! A few months ago I started cleaning lots of junk off to defrag, only after I spent days cleaning the bugger I forgot to do the defrag :p Welcome to my world.

That makes me think of when I had ECT a few years ago. Yeah, shock therapy. It’s the only thing that zapped me out of the hell my mind was stuck in. A minor side effect is that I pretty well remember nothing about that hospital stay. I don’t remember that I couldn’t figure out how to play Go Fish with my kids. I don’t remember the night when I was let out to stand in the cold and smoke a cigarette. I decided I was ready to leave that night apparently and walked to a Quality Dairy store, called my daughter at her boyfriends house (how’d I even know that number?) and told her to come get me. I don’t remember her saying no, me walking back to the hospital and spending the next three days in the lockup side. I’m pretty sure I don’t mind forgetting that part. That’s where the really whacked out people were. My kids made me a t-shirt afterwards that says “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen. Not even me.” It’s pretty funny in hindsight, but mostly my memories from that time are about the hopelessness. And the guilt. Maybe I’ll talk about that part someday.

defrag

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24

Apr

2008

Stuck in the ennui

Posted by Anita  Published in Depression, Mental illness

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to do the things I need to. My laundry needs doing, my dishes need doing and now for cripes sakes the grass already needs mowing! I can get focused on my art or a web project to the exclusion of everything. I’d like to turn that trick towards the everyday things in my life that need doing. I get depressed, then I get judgmental, then I just plain get mental about it.

It’s all part of that ADD thing. They talk about the focus problem but what they don’t tell you is your focus can get totally stuck when it’s something you’re interested in. Then the rest you can’t seem to force yourself to deal with.

bored-234x300

I don’t know any women with ADD. Except myself and my kids. I’m sure they’re out there. What I have noticed is that the men with ADD that I know all married women who pretty well picked up the slack on everything. The job, the house, the kids. Maybe instead of kicking myself all my life for the way I am I should have just blithely gone about being myself and found some poor shmuck that would take care of all that trivial crap for me. Yeah baby, that’s my plan for my next life! :p

1 comment

17

Apr

2008

I’m depressed

Posted by Anita  Published in Art, Bryce Art, Depression, Mental illness

ab60

Because I can no longer trust my own brain. It’s a terrible thing. I’m going to have to resort to this dudes solution. Of course it didn’t work out to well for him. Now where’s that needle and ink?…

no comment

9

Apr

2008

I keep flunking

Posted by Anita  Published in Borderline Personality Disorder, Mental illness

my DBT group. Actually I guess you can’t flunk, but we are starting over again and I just found out there’s an advanced group. I’m clearly not ready for that. And practically everyone I know is gone and it’s a bunch of new people again. Heh, we’re supposed to practice the skills we’re learning. That’s a problem for a recluse. I practice on my cat :p

build mastery dbt skill examples

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5

Apr

2008

Borderline Personality Disorder

Posted by Anita  Published in Borderline Personality Disorder, Mental illness

DSM IV

 

Criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder

 

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships,
self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early
adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five
(or more) of the following:

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do
not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships
characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially
self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or
self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g.,
intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7. chronic feelings of emptiness.

8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g.,
frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.


I’ve been diagnosed with this and personally that dx makes me REALLY angry! haha
Seriously, it’s embarrassing to be such a loser. I do seem to have pretty much all the symptoms except the anger. All my anger is directed at myself.


What causes Borderline Personality Disorder?

Marsha Linehan has developed a comprehensive sociobiological theory which appears to be borne out by the successes found in controlled studies of her Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.

Linehan theorizes that borderlines are born with an innate biological tendency to react more intensely to lower levels of stress than others and to take longer to recover. They peak “higher” emotionally on less provocation and take longer coming down. In addition, they were raised in environments in which their beliefs about themselves and their environment were continually devalued and invalidated. These factors combine to create adults who are uncertain of the truth of their own feelings and who are confronted by three basic dialectics they have failed to master (and thus rush frantically from pole to pole of):

* vulnerability vs invalidation

* active passivity (tendency to be passive when confronted with a problem and actively seek a rescuer) vs apparent competence (appearing to be capable when in reality internally things are falling apart)

* unremitting crises vs inhibited grief.

DBT tries to teach clients to balance these by giving them training in skills of mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, distress tolerance, and emotional regulation.


1082677027_Borderline

Linehan has it nailed actually. I’m in a DBT group and have been for a couple of years. Whether I have the ability to actually learn and change at the age of 54 is another matter. I find my biggest obstacle to be my total lack of self-esteem. Or has my therapist likes to put it, my shame. I don’t like to even admit I feel shame. It makes me feel ashamed :p The only reason I am stable is that I’m a recluse for the most part. When there’s nothing to upset you you don’t get upset. Duh!

I also have a brain tumor and have had 2 surgeries on it but I’ll tell you, I’d take 100 brain tumors to have never had BPD. That is how much I despise this mental illness.


“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.”~Charles M. Schulz

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