I’m wrapped up in sad days so rather than listen to me whine, have a listen to something better.

Pink Floyd – On The Turning Away

That I could and would survive a years long major depression, I would have tried to take better care of myself. It was hard to see that there was any hope. So, hmm how do you believe that this too will pass and continue like that is true? Maybe more than believing you just need to keep doing, regardless. I’m not sure you can believe when you are that far down. These are the things I’d try to do differently:

• • I would have eaten better, instead of starving myself to the point of emancipation. I’m not anorexic but the results were the same. When I’d try to eat, I’d get a couple bites down and just start gagging. I think ignoring my hunger pains for days on end because I was too damn depressed to go forage for food got my body accustomed to starvation.
  • I’d have never started smoking again, thinking I won’t get addicted, or it won’t matter because I’m going to die anyway. Because of course there is no hope.
  • I’d have stayed active and exercised. I was in better shape than my drill sergeant when I was in the army. I was in great shape right up until I got depressed. I never had to consciously work at it, I grew up with four brothers, out in the country. Trying to get back that muscle tone that I took so for granted all those years is hard .
  • I’d have taken better care of my health, seeing doctors and dentists. Another thing that’s hard to actually do when you are convinced that the end will be suicide because there is no coming back from this one.
  • I’d have not isolated myself so much. My first major depression was much more bearable because at least part of that time I was out with friends and no doubt partying too much. But during that time I was around people I liked, I was not overtly depressed. It was when I was alone again and reflecting on the hopelessness of my situation that I became suicidal.
  • I would never again break the law during the commission of an attempted suicide. Because if you think your life is depressing already, get thrown in county jail for a week when you are already suicidal. 😛 (Yes, I know some of you are really, really wondering what that was about!)
  • I’d have ECT sooner rather than after years worth of pharmaceuticals that did nothing except make me feel like crap. Like, pretty well immediately. ECT, it’s not just for breakfast anymore! 😉

• I’d just try to hang tough. I’m not sure I could do it. Both the the major depressions I’ve had I attempted suicide. I’m only alive today because I was a coward and am adverse to pain.
• Be adverse to pain.
• Be a coward.
• Most of all, just remember. Remember that I survived it before and it’s not a permanent state of being.
• Remember what my brother told me; “This is not an emergency, you don’t need to act on it today”. (Bet you didn’t think I remembered did you, M?)

There you have it, my how-to tips for avoiding suicide. Plus, never discount the God who didn’t let any of my attempts succeed, because a couple of them should have.

R.E.M. – Everybody Hurts

I am fatigued beyond measure today. I’m long overdue for sleep but it’s not that. It’s all those little things I perceive as jabs coming from all directions. Hey, I know my perceptions are sometimes off (like most of the time) but I’d swear they are right on this last few days, and it isn’t a good feeling.  So  what do you do to get past this, when social interaction is so incredibly stressful even when you feel okay? I just want to crawl back into my deep dark hole. Wake me up in 40 years. I want to quit my group, my therapist, my brother (gee, wonder if he reads here? NOT!), Carriage House, none of them like me anyway. There’s a small possibility that is distorted thinking, but I only have actions to judge by.  There, that pretty well takes care of my sorry little life. And I left high school more years ago than I can remember so spare me the immature cliques. It’s been a long time since I thought “Oh shit, maybe I better go to the hospital so they can keep me safe” but today is one of those days. But then, I have no idea how to reach out for help so here I sit wallowing in it. Ah well, the only way to go is up, right? …RIGHT?

Beck – Loser

Read this article in Time magazine and much of it turned me into a typical borderline. I was offended by quite a bit I read there but it’s not their fault that was how we poor folks were perceived. I think they did a pretty good job of describing the disorder and the pain we feel. I have never been a cutter, but many are I understand. I’m too adverse to pain for that. I find myself reacting in my typical emotional way though, feeling rejected because I’m like that, feeling unaccepted. Who knew that article would be such a trigger?

Ah well, I’m counting on my wonderful new Wise Mind to see me through my reaction to it. I think it’s well written, personally though I could have skipped hearing about how we were once seen as the bane of personality disorders. Nothing like making you feel like a freak. And an untreatable one at that! I know, I know, it wouldn’t have been a balanced article without the history. That history makes me appreciate how far we’ve come with treatment options at least. And at least they followed it through to where treatment, and hope, stands today.

I applied and got accepted at Carriage House in my city. That means that I have an approved mental illness (or that I’m certifiable) .  😉  Well, yay for that. Since the weather got cold I’ve been isolating myself a lot and the more you do it, the harder it is to get back out there again. Today was my first day there although I did go as a guest on Thanksgiving.

“Carriage House is a certified ‘Clubhouse Model’ program with the singular mission of assisting people in their recovery from mental illness and reintegration into the community.”

I most definitely need some reintegrating so this should help. I just got back from 6 hours there. They offer multitudes of services (like free eye exams and glasses) and members basically do the work to keep the place running whether it be kitchen help, orientation or my fav, computer work. Also they have super cheap yummy lunches and that’s great because I’m getting sick of bologna sandwiches. I was inputting data into various spreadsheets and I’m already trying to convert them to a more efficient mysql database. They also can possibly help you find a job or temporary jobs. I’m not ready for that but if I consider them a job and get into the habit of going there on a regular basis, it will be a good start. So basically, I’ll be paying $10 a month to a place to let me work for them for nothing! lol

Seriously, I’m impressed with the amount of help out there that I knew nothing about. Also, I can go and know I’m hanging around people very much like me and it’s a lot less intimidating than most anywhere else I go. Oh, and they gave me a food voucher which will help a lot since I lost all my fridge stuff when the power was out, not to mention the cost of the motel rooms and furnace repairs. This winter broke me.

I’m feeling very encouraged and hopefully I’ll get more comfortable with this whole socializing thing. Everyone there was welcoming, friendly and non-judgemental. You have no idea how nice that is! Not that I really have judgemental people in my life anymore (to any great extent) but the scars are still there and probably will be for life. A big thank you to my friend Deb for making it happen. You rock! 😀