I’m wrapped up in sad days so rather than listen to me whine, have a listen to something better.

Pink Floyd – On The Turning Away

That I could and would survive a years long major depression, I would have tried to take better care of myself. It was hard to see that there was any hope. So, hmm how do you believe that this too will pass and continue like that is true? Maybe more than believing you just need to keep doing, regardless. I’m not sure you can believe when you are that far down. These are the things I’d try to do differently:

• • I would have eaten better, instead of starving myself to the point of emancipation. I’m not anorexic but the results were the same. When I’d try to eat, I’d get a couple bites down and just start gagging. I think ignoring my hunger pains for days on end because I was too damn depressed to go forage for food got my body accustomed to starvation.
  • I’d have never started smoking again, thinking I won’t get addicted, or it won’t matter because I’m going to die anyway. Because of course there is no hope.
  • I’d have stayed active and exercised. I was in better shape than my drill sergeant when I was in the army. I was in great shape right up until I got depressed. I never had to consciously work at it, I grew up with four brothers, out in the country. Trying to get back that muscle tone that I took so for granted all those years is hard .
  • I’d have taken better care of my health, seeing doctors and dentists. Another thing that’s hard to actually do when you are convinced that the end will be suicide because there is no coming back from this one.
  • I’d have not isolated myself so much. My first major depression was much more bearable because at least part of that time I was out with friends and no doubt partying too much. But during that time I was around people I liked, I was not overtly depressed. It was when I was alone again and reflecting on the hopelessness of my situation that I became suicidal.
  • I would never again break the law during the commission of an attempted suicide. Because if you think your life is depressing already, get thrown in county jail for a week when you are already suicidal. 😛 (Yes, I know some of you are really, really wondering what that was about!)
  • I’d have ECT sooner rather than after years worth of pharmaceuticals that did nothing except make me feel like crap. Like, pretty well immediately. ECT, it’s not just for breakfast anymore! 😉

• I’d just try to hang tough. I’m not sure I could do it. Both the the major depressions I’ve had I attempted suicide. I’m only alive today because I was a coward and am adverse to pain.
• Be adverse to pain.
• Be a coward.
• Most of all, just remember. Remember that I survived it before and it’s not a permanent state of being.
• Remember what my brother told me; “This is not an emergency, you don’t need to act on it today”. (Bet you didn’t think I remembered did you, M?)

There you have it, my how-to tips for avoiding suicide. Plus, never discount the God who didn’t let any of my attempts succeed, because a couple of them should have.

R.E.M. – Everybody Hurts

I am fatigued beyond measure today. I’m long overdue for sleep but it’s not that. It’s all those little things I perceive as jabs coming from all directions. Hey, I know my perceptions are sometimes off (like most of the time) but I’d swear they are right on this last few days, and it isn’t a good feeling.  So  what do you do to get past this, when social interaction is so incredibly stressful even when you feel okay? I just want to crawl back into my deep dark hole. Wake me up in 40 years. I want to quit my group, my therapist, my brother (gee, wonder if he reads here? NOT!), Carriage House, none of them like me anyway. There’s a small possibility that is distorted thinking, but I only have actions to judge by.  There, that pretty well takes care of my sorry little life. And I left high school more years ago than I can remember so spare me the immature cliques. It’s been a long time since I thought “Oh shit, maybe I better go to the hospital so they can keep me safe” but today is one of those days. But then, I have no idea how to reach out for help so here I sit wallowing in it. Ah well, the only way to go is up, right? …RIGHT?

Beck – Loser

Sometimes that’s a pretty hard thing. Especially forgiving myself. What do I need forgiving for? Being mentally ill, being so depressed that I couldn’t hold it together for my own kids. I know it was beyond my control so why can’t I forgive myself? I think I’m a pretty forgiving person, if it had been anyone else I would have complete sympathy. Well, I do hope I figure out how someday but I must admit I have no idea how, or why it’s so hard for me.

There are three essential parts to self-forgiveness. First of all, one must acknowledge the commission of an objective wrong and accept responsibility for that wrong. Secondly, one must then experience feelings of guilt and regret. Finally, one must overcome these feelings (i.e., self-forgiveness), and, in doing so, experience a motivational change away from self-punishment toward self-acceptance.~http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/share/320

I take full responsibility, I’m full of remorse and shame, it’s the overcoming part I’m having trouble with. So let me voice my regret; To my dear daughters, I’m sorry for all you lost when I became ill. It eats at me that I could not keep it together just when I needed to most. Melissa, it was worse for you. At least your sister was old enough to remember a time that wasn’t like that and a me that wasn’t like that. The worst is, that if I had to go back and do it all again, I don’t think I could have changed the outcome. The outcome has changed me irrevocably as it has both of you. I have always wanted only the best for you, you are my heart.

As to forgiving others, I think I’m pretty good at that. I don’t hold grudges (much). Yeah, I’m not perfect, but I think I’m pretty easy about that sort of thing.

Just to let you know I’m not a complete angel, I don’t forgive my “friend” with the prosthetic leg who stole my car. I still swear if I ever see him on the street I’ll knock him on his ass and steal his leg and see how he likes having his transportation stolen.

Perhaps I find it easier to forgive unintentional offenses, but then do the others really deserve forgiveness? I know it’s supposed to be for your own peace of mind but I’m not sure I’m capable of that. If they expressed regret, I could forgive easily. If they have no remorse, no they aren’t forgiven.

Once, back when my depression was a minor thing and I still believed in myself, I could handle anything thrown at me. Need to work 12 or 16 hours to earn my paycheck? No problem. Need to do it while dealing with a screaming baby? Still no problem. Squeeze in an hour to take my four hour math final? No problem! (I even maxed it). I could do anything. Now I have to portion myself out, physically and mentally. No more just seeing what needs to be done and working on it until it’s finished.

The physical part is my complete lack of muscle tone (even after a few weeks working out at the Y) and the fact that for some reason I get hypoglycemic every time I get a bit too strenuous, even at the Y. I’d love to know what’s up with that. I can eat a nice high protein meal first and still get that way. The mental roadblock is the harder one to deal with though. It’s such an effort to push myself out there sometimes, especially when out there means outside my house. Getting to my groups, the store or even mowing my lawn takes extreme effort on my part. I’m probably the only one freaking out about voting because of all the people that will be there.

Let’s just look at inside my house for now. Since someone came and played with my furnace and I now have heat for the first time in over a week, now there’s the dirty dishes, the dirty laundry, the cat hair everywhere, the unpacked boxes, the dirty litter boxes. The clear priority is the dishes and if I have a good day hopefully the laundry. Oh to have the ability I used to have to completely clean my house from top to bottom and have everything in it’s place. In fact, even though I’ve been here over two years now, everything doesn’t even have a place yet. That’s another challenge that seems beyond me. My sense of overwhelm is much lower than it used to be.

Today is Sunday. That means that I most definitely need to do dishes and laundry so I can eat and have clothes to wear the coming week. My cats would love me if I manage to take care of their litter boxes too. Never start with the little things because it’s a sure thing you won’t get the big ones done. Three slices of me right there.

Tomorrow I see my therapist and go to the Y and hopefully I also get up the courage to go vote. Three HUGE slices. Anything outside of my house and dealing with other people is a major effort.

I was reading a forum about disabled people and invisible disabilities, where I found a link to this post. I feel like a fraud that I feel the same way because of my mental state and not a legitimate physical problem, but I can so relate. I realize that I do exactly that. Need to make doctor appointments? Spread them out, never put two in the same day. I will say that I’ve gotten to be expert at prioritizing and knowing just which things can be put off indefinitely. I’m even better at rationalizing that I don’t need to deal with it at all.

I am in a serious slump again (as if you couldn’t tell) and crawling back out of the hole is always so hard. The slump started because I have been sitting here freezing my butt off for days. Impossible to do anything when chilled to the bone and huddling with my heating pad under a mountain of blankets. I am so annoyed at how hard it is to jump back in and me take a slice of life. In fact, it’s been years since I have been able to think of it as me taking a slice of life instead of life taking a slice of me. I hope I reach that point again someday and then my sun will surely be shining.