DBT is dialectical behavioral therapy. That’s a mouthful isn’t it? This therapy method was developed by Marsha M. Linehan And consists of four modules; mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, distress tolerance, and emotion regulation. Basically the idea is to teach us skills we didn’t learn. It is considered the most effective treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m glad someone came up with one because it wasn’t that long ago that we were considered pretty hopeless cases.

In most cases Borderline Personality Disorder is caused by childhood abuse or neglect. People with BPD are more likely to have been:

• verbally, emotionally, physically, and sexually abused by caregivers.
• having caregivers deny the validity of their thoughts and feelings.
• failure to provide needed protection.
• neglected their child’s physical care.
• parents were withdrawn from the child emotionally, and treated the child inconsistently.

I personally can vouch for the reasons behind it but I surely don’t understand that treatment of a child you bring into the world. I have 2 beautiful daughters and I couldn’t imagine treating them that way. There is no understanding the reasons that I can find and I believe that is not important anymore. I just reckon they didn’t like me much and thought that shame, scorn and criticism would somehow make me toe the line and behave like them. The image here shows where we strive to be.

And just maybe it does explain some things. Say your family are all these stoic, logical and unemotional people (reasonable mind). Then along comes a highly emotional, screaming, squalling baby that you have no idea how to handle (emotional mind).

What we are striving to learn is to apply both and end up in the wise mind state. Seems good, but part of me still thinks that I should somehow be able to be a perfectly reasonable mind. Throw those emotions out completely! Of course that’s because I was taught that my emotions were not acceptable. So yes, I am learning that it is okay to feel whatever it is I feel at any given time. This is our reminder for the Mindfulness section to learn to watch our reactions and BE mindful. We do funny little exercises; sometimes drawing, a walk, building a card house, and the point of it is to be mindful in the moment, doing just what you are doing in a nonjudgmental way. I do pretty good but I do get judgmental about my inability to write poetry when that’s the exercise 😉

We go through the lessons and have homework every week. It usually consists of a conflict with someone and recognizing your emotion, deciding what is most important in that relationship (i.e. self-respect, maintaining the relationship, etc.) and the ways of resolving it. The homework part is tough for me because I live like a recluse. Sometimes I pick some nasty time in my past and work through how I could have handled it in a better way.

Now I’ll leave you with a poem I DID write! (just to show off my mad skillz)

Strange Game

There once were these dudes from afar
who were all three tres bizarre,
They went out in full force
to the local golf course
to see if they could break par.

They were atrociously clad
in the most awful plaid;
one carried a purse,
the second was worse,
his shoes made you think egad!!

The third was a swinger,
he’d come back with a zinger
that’d turn your face red.
When I saw them I said
“Ack! Here I’ll not linger!”

So I got out, I got out fast. As fast as I could go sir!
I wasn’t scared, but pants like that I did not care for, no sir!

(last 2 lines from Dr Seuss – What was I scared of)

“Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don’t know how to laugh either.” ~ Golda Meir

That depends on who you ask. Many say yes, many more say no. The most sense that I’ve read suggests that the predisposition to certain levels of brain chemicals is hereditary. This article from the University of Michigan Depression Center says both.

I lean more towards the environmental. If you are a child of depressed parents, that’s going to be a learned experience. I’ve seen both of my kids suffer from it, not to the degree I have yet and hopefully never. The important thing is to keep communication open and learn coping skills. I think I taught them better coping skills than I know how to utilize.

I lost my brother to suicide and it almost killed me. I somehow felt that it was okay for me to feel that bad but it was totally unacceptable to me that he did. I personally lay it all on environment though I won’t go into all that on this post.

Heh, such a foreign feeling to just feel good for no particular reason. I was talking to my therapist about it yesterday. I’m used to feeling guilty, ashamed, lazy, depressed, you name it. What’s with this feeling good stuff! He opened his ole textbook and started reading about discounting it when you feel good. Like “well, this will end soon” or “I don’t don’t deserve this.” I was astonished to realize that after feeling bad for so long that I do exactly that. I guess you can say I’m a textbook case :p Awareness, or mindfulness as he calls it is everything so now I know.

This article is from 2006 and I was ready to rush right out and volunteer for their study. They’ve found that pacemakers can help Parkinson patients and also depressed patients. It will be ungodly expensive if it becomes the norm I’d assume, since they insert electrodes deep in the brain.

There is another surgery done in my city where they attach electrodes to the vagus nerve and it works the same way. Much cheaper and done on an outpatient basis. Apparently one of the weird side effects will be a squeak or something if you’re talking while the zap happens. When nothing else has worked these seem like good options to look into. But not for me at the moment. I’m not feeling THAT bad and after two brain surgeries in recent years I have an aversion to doctors and hospitals.

NAMI (The National Alliance on Mental Illness) graded the states in 2006. Our country as a whole got a D. Are you surprised? I’m not, I’ve lived it. I actually checked it out before I moved. I moved from a C+ state (Michigan) to a D- state (Indiana). It wasn’t that big of a loss, although as far as I can tell Indiana has no state program. I did however find a better treatment plan here and even though I’ll never be able to pay it all off they seem okay with that.

In Michigan I was in the mental health program since I returned in 1996. Basically I saw a therapist and psychiatrist on a regular basis, between my many hospitalizations. One month when I couldn’t get it together to pay my rent someone decided I should be in the HOP (housing outreach program). My therapist came to me, I had a bill payer, a med giver, even a cleaning person once I reached my medicaid spenddown limit for the month.

They closed that program and put me in a dual diagnosis program. That means people with mental illness who have addictions too. I had an intern ask me if I started using again when I got depressed. I said using what? Cigarettes? Mountain Dew? Aspirin? Duh, couldn’t be bothered to read my chart I guess. That was a very bad program for me to be in. My therapist suggested I liked feeling this way. They treated people like naughty irresponsible children. I won’t even go into what a fiasco my bill payer was.

The big difference was the HOP program treated us like worthwhile human beings and when you are already guilt ridden that you couldn’t hold it all together that was hugely important. Sometimes I feel like a chameleon, if people like me and think I’m great, I start believing it. If people treat me like a worthless child, well, that’s a role I’m a natural at.

I moved in 2006 because my daughter graduated and I no longer got SS money for her. I couldn’t find any place I could afford to live up there. All told, this move was a good thing. I’m paying my own bills and haven’t been late once (thank God for online banking!), I am buying a house and I’m getting some great help.

My kids came for the weekend.

I thought Melissa was moving home for the summer but she has a job interview tomorrow. So she may or may not make it home at all. I’d love to have her here but since growing up is something she resists with every fiber of her being, it’s a huge step that she would like to work and have her own money.

They helped me clear the garden area which had plastic down covered in wood chips. I actually didn’t do much helping myself since I am a complete wuss these days. Work 2 minutes, have to rest for 10. It’s my own fault I don’t get active. Anyway it was a huge project.

Speaking of resisting with every fiber of your being…:p I resist the things I need to do as routine day to day chores, I resist the getting physically in shape again, I resist having to interact with anybody. If I had my way I’d be a complete recluse. Heh, that really interferes with me practicing the skills I’m supposed to be learning in my DBT group.

I have this robin nesting under my back porch roof and we stressed the poor thing out with all that activity in the back yard all day. I was worried she’d desert her nest. Sunday it rained so we were off the hook doing more work out there and in the afternoon I looked out the window and she’s standing on the side of the nest. I think they hatched! So today when I had to go out I left out the front door and walked around the edge of my yard to get to my garage in back so not to disturb them. I think I’d better get batteries for my camera 😉