Had my therapist appointment this morning and ask for clarification on the ten things I would enjoy doing. Yes, he does mean things that require being social. (okay, I knew that, I was just stalling). So here is my list:

• Go to Scotland
  Of course this will require money, and lots of work at the Y so I can actually hike a bit.
• Go to Ireland
  Same here. I told my kids if I finally ever went I’d probably spend the whole time in my room on the computer 😛
• Volunteer at the SPCA
  This one would be somewhat doable, but until I get some stamina, only for short time periods.
• Make money designing web sites
  Also doable (as soon as I get the courage to market myself) and even better if I don’t have to talk to people in person!
• Join a camera club
  Might be too scared to tackle this one, but maybe some day.
• Join the Ymca again to get my poor body back in shape
  Very doable as soon as I get the money for membership. I already know that even though there are lots of people there, I don’t have to talk to any of them. 🙂

So, heh, I only need four more to add to my list of things that I’ll probably never do.

Feel Good Stuff

• On New Years Eve day I went halfway and picked up my baby (22yo) to come “live” with me for a week. We had a great time watching lots of rented videos, making fudge and lazing about. She has a tendency to stay up all night very much like her mother. I was no good at discouraging that behavior 😉 Saturday night we went to the Coliseum to watch the Fort Wayne Derby Girls. My son’s girlfriend is a Derby girl. It was pretty cool, even if it did mean going out in that really cold weather.
• Classes are started again so I’ll be keeping myself occupied. Assisting and also taking two. Also need to finish up a website I am working on.
• I am trying to function better in my real life, but laundry and dishes are so boring when I can be reading crime boards and playing Petville instead 🙂 (psst…thank you Melissa for getting all of my laundry caught up!)
• I’m making an effort to consistently see my therapist and go to group. Well, okay…starting today, because last Thursday it was snowing and I said to myself “Hell no, I’m not going out in that!”. Tomorrow I am group leader so I gotta be there.

The Not So Good Stuff

• First, it’s a bloody cold and horrible winter! (okay, on the plus side, my furnace has worked all winter!)
• Migraines galore! I have no idea what is up but I can’t afford this Maxalt every day. Generally it kicks it and I’m good til next time but next time isn’t supposed to be the very next day. For the first time in over 30 years of migraines I had an aura. It freaked me out, thought I was going to go blind or something. Not good since I was headed to the store. I was reading online that migraines generally go away by the time you hit your 50’s. I’d like to know what’s up with me then. I am 56 and I get them way, way more often than I ever did in my 20’s and 30’s.
• A couple years ago I ranted about my fine neighborhood and the lowlife that stole my metal trashcans from the alley (they even had my address painted on them). Well, it’s even more disturbing that someone stole the down spouts off my garage back there. I don’t guess I’ll be paying to replace them unless I hook them up with an electrical charge first. Trust me, I’d dearly love to do that. For all I know it could be my awesome neighbors who put Sanford and Sons to shame.

I believe I am, after all this time, indeed coming back to life. I thought I was too far down to ever climb back out of that hole. Wow am I thankful I was wrong. It’s a terrible thing when all you feel is pain and joy is not even a distant memory. Okay, enough of that gush, even though I feel that way and wanted to say it. To feel joy is a precious gift.

Firstly, I completed my goals of setting up all my doctor appointments. The getting to them will be easier than the reaching out and calling to set them up was.

Then, after group today (as per my ambitious plan), I stopped at the YMCA. Wandered all about all on my own and finally found the cool equipment I was looking for. Even better said equipment shows how to use each machine and tells you which muscles it works (can you tell I’ve never been to a place like this before?) so I didn’t have to get brave enough to ask for help. I was set! Rode a bike that measured my heart rate til my legs gave out. Then I found the room with all the cool machines. So I used every one of them til my muscles felt like they’d had enough. I expected, with the state of my body, that I’d last maybe 10 minutes in there the first time. I was there for 45! We’ll see how my muscles feel tomorrow. My plan is to go the days I go to group since it’s right on the way. That will be Tuesday and Wednesday. I’m so glad I got the courage to actually do it. I just feel so much more competent already. This might be hard to understand for someone who hadn’t lost all that they were (or at least thought so). Yeah, I’m stoked! 😉

Oh, and my therapist told me today he thought I was ready for the advanced DBT group. Wow, only took me two years to pass the beginner one 😉 I’m not so sure of course. I know the skills extremely well after all the repeats, but do I actually know how to use them? I feel like that is a big no. Part of the reason for that is being a total recluse and moving to a city away from my family and everyone I know, I have had no one to practice on (or would that be with?). If he thinks I’m ready, I’ll go for it, which is not something I would have agreed to 6 months ago.

All in all, life could be better, as in actually have friends and doing things, but that wasn’t possiible when I was filled with pain, self-hatred and shame. For now, I am happy and life feels fine.

Pink Floyd – Coming Back To Life

Heh, such a foreign feeling to just feel good for no particular reason. I was talking to my therapist about it yesterday. I’m used to feeling guilty, ashamed, lazy, depressed, you name it. What’s with this feeling good stuff! He opened his ole textbook and started reading about discounting it when you feel good. Like “well, this will end soon” or “I don’t don’t deserve this.” I was astonished to realize that after feeling bad for so long that I do exactly that. I guess you can say I’m a textbook case :p Awareness, or mindfulness as he calls it is everything so now I know.