I signed up for a smoking cessation class at my mental health place. I want to quit, but then again I don’t. They do say it’s more addictive than heroin so I guess that makes sense. Why oh why didn’t I just get hooked on heroin instead? The class runs 6 weeks or maybe more. Our quit date is set for August 27th. In the meantime we are supposed to be arranging meds if we want them for help and setting some behavior changes. I wanted Chantix, the new pill they have that’s supposed to stop the craving. Here’s a blurb about it:

Chantix gives you the same feel good factor that nicotine gives. However, Chantix blocks nicotine from binding with the receptors and prevents it from aggravating your cells further. Chantix doesn’t have any of the addictive features of nicotine. Chantix can lead you out of nicotine addiction by gradually withdrawing you from the menace, and by giving you the feel of the nicotine effect even without taking it. Chantix makes quit smoking easy.

A regular miracle pill! I so wanted to give that a try. Then I read further:

Pfizer Inc. strengthened the warning for its anti-smoking pill Chantix and told doctors to watch patients for abnormal behavior after the violent death of a rock musician using the drug led to added reports of side effects.

A possible link between the drug and reports of agitation, depressed mood and suicidal thoughts among some patients taking it can’t be ruled out, Pfizer said today in a statement. The behavior could be worse in people with a pre-existing mental illness, the New York-based company said.

Oh well, not for me after all. Having been in the depths of despair (and sometimes still not far from them) I’ll not risk it. I quit once for 10 years with no help at all. I hope I’m strong enough to do it again.

On to the changing behavior thing. Week one I didn’t take my cigarettes in the car. Which today actually had me going about 3 entire hours without. Week 2 I’m getting even more drastic. I decided no smoking in the house. I survive that when visiting family in Michigan so I should be able to handle it and it’s not December this time! I have a lovely porch swing out front that I never use so that’s my goal, that I’ll go out there my 20 times a day I want a cigarette.

I also did another thing today that I’m really proud of, because you know how hard it is for me to motivate myself to get out in public. I signed up for a membership at the Ymca. The idea is replacing that smoking behavior with another behavior and I am so frustrated at how hard everything is for me to do because I have no muscle tone left. This falls into where we are at with DBT right now, which is take care of your health and heh, avoid avoiding. Oh I so do that, like waiting two years until my Michigan drivers license is expiring to finally get my Indiana one! Another very cool thing about the Y, because I’m on Medicare, my insurance provider for that offers a free membership into their Silver Sneakers program. That would be like, retirees, but I figure that might be the place to start since I’m so out of shape. I ask the guy though what if I want to come in and use the equipment and he told me I have a real membership and can do anything, all for nothing! 😉

My goals for avoid avoiding this week are; setting up a doctor appointment because it’s been a long time and discuss the problem of how I can’t afford all those meds she prescribes me, setting up a mammogram that I was supposed to have last December and setting up my MRI that I was supposed to have in July. Since I know my brain tumor is growing I’m thinking that one is the priority, however, I will attempt to at least get them all scheduled this week.

My last thought is, omg am I ready for all this!? I have been going along in this unhealthy funk for so many years that it’s rather terrifying. No time like the present I guess to get my life back. Wish me luck!

“The key to change… is to let go of fear.” ~Rosanne Cash