Once, back when my depression was a minor thing and I still believed in myself, I could handle anything thrown at me. Need to work 12 or 16 hours to earn my paycheck? No problem. Need to do it while dealing with a screaming baby? Still no problem. Squeeze in an hour to take my four hour math final? No problem! (I even maxed it). I could do anything. Now I have to portion myself out, physically and mentally. No more just seeing what needs to be done and working on it until it’s finished.
The physical part is my complete lack of muscle tone (even after a few weeks working out at the Y) and the fact that for some reason I get hypoglycemic every time I get a bit too strenuous, even at the Y. I’d love to know what’s up with that. I can eat a nice high protein meal first and still get that way. The mental roadblock is the harder one to deal with though. It’s such an effort to push myself out there sometimes, especially when out there means outside my house. Getting to my groups, the store or even mowing my lawn takes extreme effort on my part. I’m probably the only one freaking out about voting because of all the people that will be there.
Let’s just look at inside my house for now. Since someone came and played with my furnace and I now have heat for the first time in over a week, now there’s the dirty dishes, the dirty laundry, the cat hair everywhere, the unpacked boxes, the dirty litter boxes. The clear priority is the dishes and if I have a good day hopefully the laundry. Oh to have the ability I used to have to completely clean my house from top to bottom and have everything in it’s place. In fact, even though I’ve been here over two years now, everything doesn’t even have a place yet. That’s another challenge that seems beyond me. My sense of overwhelm is much lower than it used to be.
Today is Sunday. That means that I most definitely need to do dishes and laundry so I can eat and have clothes to wear the coming week. My cats would love me if I manage to take care of their litter boxes too. Never start with the little things because it’s a sure thing you won’t get the big ones done. Three slices of me right there.
Tomorrow I see my therapist and go to the Y and hopefully I also get up the courage to go vote. Three HUGE slices. Anything outside of my house and dealing with other people is a major effort.
I was reading a forum about disabled people and invisible disabilities, where I found a link to this post. I feel like a fraud that I feel the same way because of my mental state and not a legitimate physical problem, but I can so relate. I realize that I do exactly that. Need to make doctor appointments? Spread them out, never put two in the same day. I will say that I’ve gotten to be expert at prioritizing and knowing just which things can be put off indefinitely. I’m even better at rationalizing that I don’t need to deal with it at all.
I am in a serious slump again (as if you couldn’t tell) and crawling back out of the hole is always so hard. The slump started because I have been sitting here freezing my butt off for days. Impossible to do anything when chilled to the bone and huddling with my heating pad under a mountain of blankets. I am so annoyed at how hard it is to jump back in and me take a slice of life. In fact, it’s been years since I have been able to think of it as me taking a slice of life instead of life taking a slice of me. I hope I reach that point again someday and then my sun will surely be shining.
Hi Anita,
I find you amazingly brave posting things like this. I also find it amazing that you are so responsive and helpful in our blogging group, giving no indication that you are suffering like this. I wish I were near by to give you a hug and make you laugh if I could. I’m in a very blue state myself today. I wish Steven Colbert were on television now because he makes me laugh out loud and laughing is the best therapy for me. Did I tell you that I am in love with Steven Colbert? And if I were 30 years younger I would be compelled to stalk him. Lucky for him I can’t. I know people who don’t even think he’s funny. I guess I’m no help here blabbering away about Steven Colbert but I mean well. love and xxx’s
Well I can guarantee you that you are not the only one freaked out about voting due to the crowds! I am thankful for absentee voting here I know how physically and mentally draining crowds, lines and procedures can be.
I am glad that you were able to get heat again. Unfortunately, I know how hard it can be to get anything done when you are so cold that you can see your breath inside the house. Never underestimate the importance of the basics but when we have them that is exactly what we tend to do. I am hoping that the basic need of warmth will give you enough peace and support to tackle the next task at hand.
The link you shared about the spoons is a powerful one. Pacing is so important, regardless if your disability is physical or mental. Along with pacing one needs basic support to make it through the tasks of daily life. Please let us know how we can offer support, virtual or otherwise. You are appreciated!
Bean’s last blog post..WordPress 2.7 release delayed
Hey Kiddo, You don’t know how tempted I am to jump in my little truck, drive to your town, kidnap you and your cats, and bring you south for a few days. At least it is warm here! But if I did that, you would see my pile of laundry and the sink full of dishes. I don’t know how I manage to get so many dirty dishes cause I have no food to cook. The only thing in the fridge is milk, diet coke, and Hershey’s kisses. I have more pet food and treats than people food in the cabinet. If you ever decide that you want to get away and see that there are other people with homes in dire need of some attention, give me a shout. You are just a few hours away and I use to drive an eighteen wheeler, so it would be like going for a Sunday drive.
Sherry
Thank you all, I think I sometimes sit here in my lonely little world and forget that I know some really awesome people online. 😉 I am back to my normal bad functioning, skipped the Y and skipped the voting! (and only managed the dishes yesterday) Oh well, one out of three ain’t bad. You all made me feel so much better, I judge myself so harshly sometimes. Thanks to Bean I made goals at 43 things and even found things I have done and added them. Gave me a sense of accomplishment.
Seriously, thank you! 😉
You got that right Carol, it’s not something you can just fix if you want to. I certainly don’t want to feel this way, even though that was suggested to me by one very lame therapist once. Ah well, I’ve been worse, I’ll survive this too. 😉
Powerful post Anita.
I have experienced the extreme lows so I can identify with your feelings. I used to think (and had been told) that I could lift myself up by the bootstraps get out of the funk. I now know that that is not the way out. When you’re that low you cannot even find any bootstraps.
Take care of yourself friend.
Carol
Carol’s last blog post..Oopsy Daisy
Welp, sounds like Melissa and I are due for a visit! I will have to get with her and see what her schedule is like. School is ramping up for me – only 5 weeks left in the semester, thank God! Anyway just remember what we talked about last time…this is just a valley in your journey. It will get better 🙂 On another note, my therapist and I talked about some interesting things last night; I will have to tell you about them.
Love you! <3
I’ll be interested to hear them. My life has more valleys than mountains but as long as I stay away from the chasms, I’m good 😀
This is the third time (at least) that I’ve come to this post to respond — this time I will. I read it the day you posted it and couldn’t get you out of my mind. What you suffer is not uncommon, I think, but knowing that makes it no less painful.
Like Adelle, I wished I were close enough to give you a hug and say — go do your blog thing, or your helping-others-in-blog-class thing — and I’ll do the dishes. I’m a helper by nature, so I’d do a thorough job of cleaning up your kitchen, all the while thinking about the good things I see you doing, and appreciating you for them.
I did my voting using the old-fashioned absentee ballot, which I then hand-delivered three weeks early. I do not like crowds — they sap my energy — and knew the lines would be long this year.
The Spoon Theory you sent us to sparked my thinking. It’s something our Bean could have written as well. Too often I do take my life for granted, but I don’t like that about me, and often I slow down intentionally to be thankful for small things. Like having my legs work when I wake up. Like having running water and heat, now that it’s cooling down to November air. Like being allowed to get in my car and drive wherever I want to go, like having destinations available to drive to. My brain still functions — and that one’s a biggie, when a friend just sold his huge, successful real estate business because he knows his brain is beginning to shut down to Alzheimer’s.
The very last thing you are is a fraud… I’m not convinced depression (a catch-all term) is all psychological. It’s not just something we “give in to” either, nor do we want. It’s there; it’s real; it’s terrifying. But the first thing I think we MUST do is forgive ourselves for being depressed. And THEN tackle the thing…
Barb Hartsook’s last blog post..When and How Do You Plan, Organize Your Days?
Ah, the forgiving myself does seem to be the hardest part. I’m hanging in here but sometimes it does seem endless. I did end up voting and it wasn’t so bad, but it was a long wait. So I’m glad I did it 😉