Sometimes that’s a pretty hard thing. Especially forgiving myself. What do I need forgiving for? Being mentally ill, being so depressed that I couldn’t hold it together for my own kids. I know it was beyond my control so why can’t I forgive myself? I think I’m a pretty forgiving person, if it had been anyone else I would have complete sympathy. Well, I do hope I figure out how someday but I must admit I have no idea how, or why it’s so hard for me.
There are three essential parts to self-forgiveness. First of all, one must acknowledge the commission of an objective wrong and accept responsibility for that wrong. Secondly, one must then experience feelings of guilt and regret. Finally, one must overcome these feelings (i.e., self-forgiveness), and, in doing so, experience a motivational change away from self-punishment toward self-acceptance.~http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/share/320
I take full responsibility, I’m full of remorse and shame, it’s the overcoming part I’m having trouble with. So let me voice my regret; To my dear daughters, I’m sorry for all you lost when I became ill. It eats at me that I could not keep it together just when I needed to most. Melissa, it was worse for you. At least your sister was old enough to remember a time that wasn’t like that and a me that wasn’t like that. The worst is, that if I had to go back and do it all again, I don’t think I could have changed the outcome. The outcome has changed me irrevocably as it has both of you. I have always wanted only the best for you, you are my heart.
As to forgiving others, I think I’m pretty good at that. I don’t hold grudges (much). Yeah, I’m not perfect, but I think I’m pretty easy about that sort of thing.
Just to let you know I’m not a complete angel, I don’t forgive my “friend” with the prosthetic leg who stole my car. I still swear if I ever see him on the street I’ll knock him on his ass and steal his leg and see how he likes having his transportation stolen.
Perhaps I find it easier to forgive unintentional offenses, but then do the others really deserve forgiveness? I know it’s supposed to be for your own peace of mind but I’m not sure I’m capable of that. If they expressed regret, I could forgive easily. If they have no remorse, no they aren’t forgiven.
How about this plan? I forgive you and you forgive me?
They say it’s a tough world out there. But our inner world is the really hard part.
Carol
😉
Carol’s last blog post..Oopsy Daisy
I’ve had four major surgeries, stripping me of some precious parts, a kidney being one of them. I spent a year with oxygen, in and out of hospitals just to breathe, one very bad year for asthma. My children suffered, but I doubt they thought about themselves when I was obviously suffering.
Why did I just focus on me? Here on your site? Because I want to make a point, my dear friend. I’ve not had mental illness, but I have had bouts of depression and acute panic for no reason, and I think I’d rather have surgery. I think mental suffering is greater and more debilitating than physical pain.
I forgive myself for having had things go wrong with my body, and I submit to you that you can forgive yourself for having things go wrong in your brain. Chemical imbalance. Hormonal imbalance. Or whatever its causes are.
Did your girls miss out? Probably. But what did they gain as a result of being raised by an intelligent mom who is unselfish and loving, generous to all with her knowledge of things, pursuing what she’s good at (writing being one of those), and constantly trying to improve herself?
Hmmm….?
Did my girls miss out? Probably, even in my healthy times. I can pinpoint some areas I’ve apologized to each of them for having done or not done. But at the same time, I point out their good mom-qualities whenever I see them and tell them they’re supposed to improve on me as a mom. That seems to liberate them some — I know, as much as I loved my mom and had a great relationship with her, there were many areas of momhood I wanted to do differently. I expect that will always be true.
Do your girls forgive you? Mine do… they say there’s nothing to forgive. And we all know that’s not true. But maybe it is… true forgiveness forgets. That’s Biblical.
Are there people it’s hard to forgive? That cause your jaw to lock when trying to utter the thought of forgiving them? Or, as you say, aren’t even sorry? Oh yeah… I read a tiny book a hundred years ago called The Helper, by Catherine Marshall, that said I didn’t have to feel forgiving. I just had to be willing to forgive, and God’s forgiving spirit would do it for me, in me. Hmmm… I liked that, and have clung to that promise a long long time.
I’m learning that we have to be willing to forgive ourselves for what we’ve accepted we’ve done wrong…
Be willing to forgive those things that have happened to us that are not our doing, but effect us and those we love nevertheless…
Accept that we will always do wrong things, knowingly and unknowingly. Those things we know we’ve done, stop. Change. And grow.
And, embrace ourselves in our imperfection knowing it takes a lifetime to grow up.
All that being said, I love your story of the guy who stole your car — that’s a classic! I have to admit I like to see justice done — if I ever read a story that ended without justice of some kind I’d be furious I’d spent the time reading it! I cheer when (whoever) gets his due!
Here’s to you, my friend, and to the long process of growing up,
Barb
Carol, I agree, the outside world is much easier. I like that concept, it’ll be much easier forgiving you 😀
Barb, Thank you for that very eloquent response. It is funny, I don’t blame myself for my brain tumor and it’s true I couldn’t prevent the depression anymore than I could that. I don’t think my girls ever thought there was anything to forgive, I beg to differ. Just today my therapist told me to quit being so hard on myself. Hah, someday I’ll get it 😉
Well wouldn’t ya know, as soon as I got off the phone with you I could get on the internet again!
I have to tell you, sometimes in high school it was hard for me, but now that I think back on that time…I don’t feel like there’s anything to forgive. I was talking to my therapist the other day and she made note of all I’ve “been through” and I was like, but to me that’s just normal. I never spent time wishing I had a different mom, or that my dad was around, or any of the other things I could have wished for. I just lived my life the way I knew how. And sure, it certainly informed my perspective on the world today, but I wouldn’t be the same person if those things hadn’t happened, and I have to say that most days I like myself pretty well 😛 Anyway this isn’t as eloquent a response as Barb’s, but it’s how I feel. I’m sure Melissa feels the same way. You’re my mom, and I love you no matter what! Also I wouldn’t change you, except to make you happier and be able to see what a wonderful and amazing person you are 🙂
In the end I guess, your life wasn’t that bad. Nothing like the misery that was going through my mind those horrible years. There was a roof over your head and food in your stomach. I tried to be there. Some of it was pretty bad but considering what some people in the world are coping with, it was nothing. Funny, I find myself somewhat offended that your therapist thinks you “went through” all that, when it’s exactly that I feel guilty about. Maybe that’s a defensive reaction. The one thing you always had, and I hope you know it, was my love. I didn’t have that growing up which I suspect is why I’m me today so I consider that a biggie. Oh yeah, and that which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger….I always hated that saying 😉
Well, I suppose from some people’s point of view, it would be a lot. But you know what things I remember? I remember laughter, and hugs and kisses, and sitting on the toilet talking to you for hours while you were in the bathtub. I don’t really think about the hand me down clothes or the donated food or even about living in the basement. I’d say I definitely have a lot more good memories than bad. You’re my mommy, and growing up with you is what made me what I am, and I’m okay with that 🙂
To me, it’s never been a question of forgiving you. I would hear a lot as a kid that “It’s okay to be mad at your mom”, and I get that as a concept, but never felt it applied to my situation. I mean, sometimes I might be mad at your depression. But it never made sense to be mad at you, because it wasn’t your fault. And it doesn’t make much sense to be mad at depression either, since it’s such an abstract, nebulous thing.
And when I was sad, it wasn’t for myself. It hurt me to see you not liking yourself, because I knew you were an amazing person. Do you remember how, as a kid, I was constantly telling you I loved you? I realize now I was just trying to make you hear me. I knew you were wonderful, not just because you are my mother, but because if I had a choice of any person that ever existed or ever will exist to be my mother, it would always be you. Because I grew up wanting nothing for myself. I had love, and laughter, and lots and lots of happy meals. All I wanted was for you to look in the mirror and like what you saw.
I feel really lucky and I always have. I have a mother that is my biggest fan. I have a mother that I can talk to like a friend. I have a mother that will always believe in me no matter what. I have a mother that taught me what strength is.
So I think it’s time you forgave yourself, mommy.
Well, you did it Lis…you made me cry 😉 I will always be your biggest fan dear heart. And I thank you for this.
I just read through all these comments and can’t see what I’m writing because what you all write is making me cry so much I’m having trouble seeing through the tears. What a wonderful thing you kids are doing – and I mean Mom included.
Aren’t we always children? I mean that in the best way. When my grandchildren say to me, “Gigi, you’re just a big kid.” I take that as the best compliment.
Adele’s last blog post..Thunder Over the Wind
Yeah, we are all kids in this mad world. Pass the kleenex will you? 😉 My kids are the greatest!
Ok now I’M about to cry and that’s bad because I am at work. And I should be doing work instead of crying over my mom’s blog 😀
I’m so sorry I didnt get this email sooner…I’m just now reading. Ditto all above, kids are a wonder.
Now….the ‘getting’ that guy with the wooden leg who stole your car is HILARIOUS! I can see you chasing the sob WITH his leg, whacking him on the arm, leg…he falls, you keep hitting him….telling him that he is lucky you dont shove it up his ass. Really funny visuals.
Anita you are a true friend. I feel your kind heart. YOU are one awesome person, and yes…like all above….tears are streaming down my face. Now excuse me while I go ‘honk!” in a puffs. LOL…snif!
It’s been a long time since he stole my car and I’d still knock him on his ass and steal his leg. I have a long memory. lol
But I’m with you that kids are awesome. Especially ours 😉