This article is from 2006 and I was ready to rush right out and volunteer for their study. They’ve found that pacemakers can help Parkinson patients and also depressed patients. It will be ungodly expensive if it becomes the norm I’d assume, since they insert electrodes deep in the brain.

There is another surgery done in my city where they attach electrodes to the vagus nerve and it works the same way. Much cheaper and done on an outpatient basis. Apparently one of the weird side effects will be a squeak or something if you’re talking while the zap happens. When nothing else has worked these seem like good options to look into. But not for me at the moment. I’m not feeling THAT bad and after two brain surgeries in recent years I have an aversion to doctors and hospitals.

NAMI (The National Alliance on Mental Illness) graded the states in 2006. Our country as a whole got a D. Are you surprised? I’m not, I’ve lived it. I actually checked it out before I moved. I moved from a C+ state (Michigan) to a D- state (Indiana). It wasn’t that big of a loss, although as far as I can tell Indiana has no state program. I did however find a better treatment plan here and even though I’ll never be able to pay it all off they seem okay with that.

In Michigan I was in the mental health program since I returned in 1996. Basically I saw a therapist and psychiatrist on a regular basis, between my many hospitalizations. One month when I couldn’t get it together to pay my rent someone decided I should be in the HOP (housing outreach program). My therapist came to me, I had a bill payer, a med giver, even a cleaning person once I reached my medicaid spenddown limit for the month.

They closed that program and put me in a dual diagnosis program. That means people with mental illness who have addictions too. I had an intern ask me if I started using again when I got depressed. I said using what? Cigarettes? Mountain Dew? Aspirin? Duh, couldn’t be bothered to read my chart I guess. That was a very bad program for me to be in. My therapist suggested I liked feeling this way. They treated people like naughty irresponsible children. I won’t even go into what a fiasco my bill payer was.

The big difference was the HOP program treated us like worthwhile human beings and when you are already guilt ridden that you couldn’t hold it all together that was hugely important. Sometimes I feel like a chameleon, if people like me and think I’m great, I start believing it. If people treat me like a worthless child, well, that’s a role I’m a natural at.

I moved in 2006 because my daughter graduated and I no longer got SS money for her. I couldn’t find any place I could afford to live up there. All told, this move was a good thing. I’m paying my own bills and haven’t been late once (thank God for online banking!), I am buying a house and I’m getting some great help.

My kids came for the weekend.

I thought Melissa was moving home for the summer but she has a job interview tomorrow. So she may or may not make it home at all. I’d love to have her here but since growing up is something she resists with every fiber of her being, it’s a huge step that she would like to work and have her own money.

They helped me clear the garden area which had plastic down covered in wood chips. I actually didn’t do much helping myself since I am a complete wuss these days. Work 2 minutes, have to rest for 10. It’s my own fault I don’t get active. Anyway it was a huge project.

Speaking of resisting with every fiber of your being…:p I resist the things I need to do as routine day to day chores, I resist the getting physically in shape again, I resist having to interact with anybody. If I had my way I’d be a complete recluse. Heh, that really interferes with me practicing the skills I’m supposed to be learning in my DBT group.

I have this robin nesting under my back porch roof and we stressed the poor thing out with all that activity in the back yard all day. I was worried she’d desert her nest. Sunday it rained so we were off the hook doing more work out there and in the afternoon I looked out the window and she’s standing on the side of the nest. I think they hatched! So today when I had to go out I left out the front door and walked around the edge of my yard to get to my garage in back so not to disturb them. I think I’d better get batteries for my camera 😉

My 300gb dive with all my graphics programs on it has been defragging for almost a week now. It sat at 94% all day yesterday and so far all day today. Okay, it was a mess, and it’s almost full, but I’m going through withdrawal symptoms here! A few months ago I started cleaning lots of junk off to defrag, only after I spent days cleaning the bugger I forgot to do the defrag :p Welcome to my world.

That makes me think of when I had ECT a few years ago. Yeah, shock therapy. It’s the only thing that zapped me out of the hell my mind was stuck in. A minor side effect is that I pretty well remember nothing about that hospital stay. I don’t remember that I couldn’t figure out how to play Go Fish with my kids. I don’t remember the night when I was let out to stand in the cold and smoke a cigarette. I decided I was ready to leave that night apparently and walked to a Quality Dairy store, called my daughter at her boyfriends house (how’d I even know that number?) and told her to come get me. I don’t remember her saying no, me walking back to the hospital and spending the next three days in the lockup side. I’m pretty sure I don’t mind forgetting that part. That’s where the really whacked out people were. My kids made me a t-shirt afterwards that says “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen. Not even me.” It’s pretty funny in hindsight, but mostly my memories from that time are about the hopelessness. And the guilt. Maybe I’ll talk about that part someday.

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to do the things I need to. My laundry needs doing, my dishes need doing and now for cripes sakes the grass already needs mowing! I can get focused on my art or a web project to the exclusion of everything. I’d like to turn that trick towards the everyday things in my life that need doing. I get depressed, then I get judgmental, then I just plain get mental about it.

It’s all part of that ADD thing. They talk about the focus problem but what they don’t tell you is your focus can get totally stuck when it’s something you’re interested in. Then the rest you can’t seem to force yourself to deal with.

I don’t know any women with ADD. Except myself and my kids. I’m sure they’re out there. What I have noticed is that the men with ADD that I know all married women who pretty well picked up the slack on everything. The job, the house, the kids. Maybe instead of kicking myself all my life for the way I am I should have just blithely gone about being myself and found some poor shmuck that would take care of all that trivial crap for me. Yeah baby, that’s my plan for my next life! :p

Because I can no longer trust my own brain. It’s a terrible thing. I’m going to have to resort to this dudes solution. Of course it didn’t work out to well for him. Now where’s that needle and ink?…