Since suicide is my scientific speciality (or not, considering how many times I failed at it), it seems appropriate that I would make a post today about suicide prevention. I actually have no idea how to prevent it. When I was so far down for so long, no hope, no vision of a happier future got through. The best prevention I’d say is to lock us up til it passes, no matter how long that might be. Unfortunately that won’t happen in America today. I begged for that, put me in a state hospital, dope me up on Thorazine so I’m too numb to care, let my kids come in once a month to watch me drool. I was clearly feeling pretty bad to consider that an option I could live with. In fact I thought it was the only option that would keep me alive. If I hadn’t had kids I wouldn’t have cared but oh that tremendous guilt I felt when I knew I was going to leave them that way. But even then, the idea of staying in this life was unacceptable. Only my aversion to physical pain kept me alive (well, that and the fact that it’s incredibly hard to get enough pills to just fall into an endless sleep).

My brother committed suicide. I knew he was depressed but he wasn’t overt about it like I was. He had good friends, he had the ability to be a good friend and act outwardly okay. I put my craziness out there for the whole world to see and I couldn’t have done it any different. Warren shot himself. I’m way too cowardly to try that. I did slit my wrists once and damn, that hurt. So I tried pills (x4), I tried sitting in a running car with a dryer vent duct taped from the tailgate to the window (x2). Let me tell you, it’s really hard to die that way, or God was looking out for me. It also makes you very sick for days afterward. Dorothy Parker got it right: “Razors pain you; rivers are damp; acids stain you; and drugs cause cramp. Guns aren’t lawful; nooses give; gas smells awful; you might as well live.”

There is an article on CNN today; “Embracing life after suicide attempt” and while her challenges were different than mine (she’s bipolar), our end result could have been the same. It’s not the same though, because she calls her article Embracing Life. I don’t really do that, I tolerate life. When my therapist says “You aren’t getting better.” I want to scream “But at least I’m not getting worse!” I’ve been there and this is okay. I mean, I think this is as good as it’s going to get and I can Live with that. In her article Melody says “The dangerous thing about silence is that it breeds shame and isolation.” Well, I’m an expert on shame, isolation and being totally unacceptable, so don’t rub it in.

When Warren died, I wanted to die too. I grieved so much for his pain. It was perfectly okay for me to feel that way most of my life, but I loved him, it was not okay at all. And that’s really the gist of it all. I loved him but I don’t love me.

I’m no Melody Moezzi (see above article), there is nothing redeeming in my post. I’m glad it’s not on CNN where all those jerks who are being snots to her might find me. Way to go with the compassion there folks, you are the crazy ones if you think we enjoy feeling this way. In the end, I suppose compassion and empathy are better suicide preventatives than all the pills in the world.

A couple of years ago when I was having equilibrium problems I went to an ENT Dr. After all kinds of bizarre tests they said I had inner ear damage due to my migraines. They suggested trying preventive meds, which really run the gamut. A lot of them are antidepressants, such as Effexor, which I gave a try or antipsychotic, antiseizure, betablockers and many more. During my very long depression I have been on multitudes of antidepressents, antipsychotics and yes, even antiseizures. They never did a thing for my depression and I refuse to take them anymore, I’m tired of the side effects and them not helping anyway. So I’ve been relying on Maxalt, a migraine med that really works for me. The trouble is 6 of them were costing me $42 and I was getting at least two migraines a week. I have been puzzled why I get them so often now when I didn’t in my younger years.

When I was in my 20’s I started having heart palpitations that were very scary. I was diagnosed with Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome and put on a betablocker. I took it daily for years and it worked like a charm. The only issue being that it made my already low blood pressure even lower. The last few years I hadn’t been having the arrhythmias so I gradually had quit taking it. Recently I’ve been having problems with them again so I started back on my Tenormin, a betablocker. Wow, guess what? My migraines have really decreased in quantity!

Another nice plus is after telling my dr how I used to get 16 Maxalts with my prescription, she apparently wrote it for more. So the last one I got 12. My cost? $42! I feel like I’ve been getting totally ripped off for years. Of the 12 I bought a couple of weeks ago I have only used one. What a difference it makes to your life to not suffer days long headaches. I don’t even care that my last doctor visit it took 4 tries to find my bloodpressure and it was a whopping 54/40. 🙂

Last night as I went to bed I suddenly heard this sound like water running, in my right ear only (my shunt runs right behind my ear on the right). It lasted only a couple of minutes. I have tinnitus already, quite a bit worse the last few months but it completely drowned that out. Then there are the horrendous headaches and recurring equilibrium problem, which was my only indication that I had a brain tumor. I am wondering if my shunt is malfunctioning.

The question is…do I still need a shunt? Because they removed enough of my tumor that it no longer blocks my third ventricle. They did however tell me that I might be dependent on the shunt. My yearly MRIs show the size of the tumor and I assume they show whether I have hydrocephalus but I don’t know how you check the functioning of a shunt (I missed my MRI last year). So as I was lying there listening to that, my thought was what if that bugger sucks me poor old brain dry? 😛

Some of the problems that can cause a shunt malfunction are:

• Infection
• Blockage
• Calcification or breakage of the catheters
• Separation (catheters may disconnect from the valve and reservoir unit)
• Valve is broken or stuck
• Wrong pressure valve (usually found in a fixed shunt)
• Catheter needs lengthening
• Over-drainage or under-drainage

See? there it is right on the list; over drainage! I wonder what that does to your brain? I’m not gung-ho on the idea of anymore surgeries in this lifetime or having my shunt removed only to find out I need it. I hate that thing though, I feel it when I lay in bed at night because I’m a skinny wench and my bed is hard. Oh and the lifetime of a shunt is 8-10 years. Mine was installed in 1999. Maybe I need a valve job 😛

Had my therapist appointment this morning and ask for clarification on the ten things I would enjoy doing. Yes, he does mean things that require being social. (okay, I knew that, I was just stalling). So here is my list:

• Go to Scotland
  Of course this will require money, and lots of work at the Y so I can actually hike a bit.
• Go to Ireland
  Same here. I told my kids if I finally ever went I’d probably spend the whole time in my room on the computer 😛
• Volunteer at the SPCA
  This one would be somewhat doable, but until I get some stamina, only for short time periods.
• Make money designing web sites
  Also doable (as soon as I get the courage to market myself) and even better if I don’t have to talk to people in person!
• Join a camera club
  Might be too scared to tackle this one, but maybe some day.
• Join the Ymca again to get my poor body back in shape
  Very doable as soon as I get the money for membership. I already know that even though there are lots of people there, I don’t have to talk to any of them. 🙂

So, heh, I only need four more to add to my list of things that I’ll probably never do.

Note to self…when you are feeling so like garbage that you write the previous post, stop and think. The big clue is that when I told my doctor that I couldn’t keep track of when I was due a B12 shot, she said “If you start feeling awful, give yourself one.” Duh… So yeah, it helped somewhat. I still am wobbly, can’t do much and have migraines like I’ve never had before, but I’ve decided maybe I’m not dying after all.

This whole daily routine thing seems to be beyond me anymore. You know, like eating, sleeping, taking meds, doing housework. I think I need to make a chart like I used to have for my kids. But what in the world could I use as a reward? A gold star isn’t gonna cut it. A huge start would be to get out of this 30+ hour day thing I have going on. Someone mentioned it on one of my tumor posts, and asked if I was taking a melatonin supplement. Perhaps it’s time to look into that. In case you don’t know, your pineal gland regulates your circadian rhythm (it tells you when it’s day and night). Well being that my gland has gone missing, maybe a supplement would help me a lot.

Of course that isn’t going to cure the rest of this mess, but maybe it’s a step. The real issue is right here, and it isn’t going away. Adhd is not just about inattention, that part is bad enough. It’s also about getting too focused when it’s something you love. Boy do I remember my dad sitting up all night checkering his gun stocks. That’s what keeps me sitting here 30 to 40 hours straight mucking around with code. Everything in moderation doesn’t seem to be in my vocabulary.