My 300gb dive with all my graphics programs on it has been defragging for almost a week now. It sat at 94% all day yesterday and so far all day today. Okay, it was a mess, and it’s almost full, but I’m going through withdrawal symptoms here! A few months ago I started cleaning lots of junk off to defrag, only after I spent days cleaning the bugger I forgot to do the defrag :p Welcome to my world.

That makes me think of when I had ECT a few years ago. Yeah, shock therapy. It’s the only thing that zapped me out of the hell my mind was stuck in. A minor side effect is that I pretty well remember nothing about that hospital stay. I don’t remember that I couldn’t figure out how to play Go Fish with my kids. I don’t remember the night when I was let out to stand in the cold and smoke a cigarette. I decided I was ready to leave that night apparently and walked to a Quality Dairy store, called my daughter at her boyfriends house (how’d I even know that number?) and told her to come get me. I don’t remember her saying no, me walking back to the hospital and spending the next three days in the lockup side. I’m pretty sure I don’t mind forgetting that part. That’s where the really whacked out people were. My kids made me a t-shirt afterwards that says “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen. Not even me.” It’s pretty funny in hindsight, but mostly my memories from that time are about the hopelessness. And the guilt. Maybe I’ll talk about that part someday.